I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
