nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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