The maid of honor just puked.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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