Betty ford says i'm here all night
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
