I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
The air taste purple.
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