I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
