so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
