ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
