o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
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