He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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