Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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