Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
