I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
