I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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