i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
