dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
