The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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