How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
