Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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