You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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