i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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