Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
