If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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