Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
