I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
