It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
