god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
