Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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