youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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