I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
