I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
