I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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