it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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