Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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