He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
cat food counts as protein by the way
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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