I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i need an iv and a liver transplant
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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