What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
