the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
