a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
