she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
