Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
