The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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