I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Sext me about skeletons
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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