I wish I could teleport
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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