is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
