If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
