she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
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