There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
