2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
