Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
